David Banks: Hey stupid.(Features)

Daily Post (Liverpool, England) May 17, 2005 Byline: David Banks YOU have to be a special kind of stupid to think an Aston Martin DB9 V12 is ‘in its element’ in North Wales. This is idiocy that is off the scale, not just ponderous dull-wittedness, but slack-jawed ignorance that really does make you wonder whether Darwin was right about evolution and whether a few bottom-feeders managed to outwit natural selection just to provide us with amusement.

Step forward Richard Hammond, a man only slightly less of an oaf than fellow Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson. I would say take a bow, but any sudden rush of blood to the head caused by such a manoeuvre might overwhelm what few brain cells reside there. go to web site aston martin db9

The Aston Martin DB9 V12 – no, I don’t know what the DB or the V stands for, nor do I care – is, according to Hammond, in its element in North Wales.

This is a car that costs pounds 115,000. The average price of a house in Wales is… pounds 115,000.

I imagine this car is the cause of many a marital spat in this part of the world.

Husband peruses the property pages, only to find the wife’s got her head buried in Top Gear magazine and has decided that rather than put a roof over their heads they are going to for the oh-so-luxuriously soft top of the Aston Martin DB9 – and let’s not forget the V12.

It’s the way forward: can’t break into the housing market? Then get into the car market… lots of legroom, open aspect and you don’t have to worry about council tax. Not a lot of wardrobe space though and a little short on toiletage. In its element? It is in its element driving around the choked up streets of London, because that’s where most of the filthy-rich fools who would spend such a ridiculous sum on a car reside. I don’t think the marketing department of Aston Martin is planning an advertising blitz of North Wales. Something tells me they’ll stick to Chelsea rather than sticking their necks out in the hope of selling a few in Llanberis. astonmartindb9.org aston martin db9

The fact is that if you see an Aston Martin DB9 V12 cruising the lanes of North Wales, the likelihood is it’s been driven inby someone who regards such things as toys and North Wales as their playground. That’s the sort of visitor we want isn’t it? People so stinking rich their cars cost more than our houses.

Welcome to Wales, do drive carefully, unless of course you’ve spent so much on your car that it would be unreasonable to expect you to obey the rules of the road.

And if you’re the lucky driver of an Aston Martin DB9 V12 then by all means put your foot down; after all, it’s in its element here and rest assured the locals are suitably impressed by your status symbol.

But back to the evolutionarily challenged Mr Hammond – and have the show’s producers checked him for a residual tail because I’m of the opinion the little monkey is not long down from the trees. When asked about North Wales’ speed cameras, he said: ‘I just want to say more speed does not kill.’ This is the problem. Not only do buffoons like Hammond treat the law with contempt, they think they can defy the laws of physics.

If he’d like to put his theory to the test though, let’s be scientific about it. First he stands in front of his Aston Martin DB9 V12 when it’s driven into him at 30mph, then, bruised, battered, couple of broken bones, but probably not dead, we run it into him at its top speed, 186mph.

It would make for interesting TV – after the watershed.

I’m wondering just how dead Hammond wants to be before he accepts that more speed definitely does kill, especially when it’s courtesy of an Aston Martin DB9 V12, in its element, zipping along at 116mph above the national speed limit