The freshly released reboot “Clash of the Titans” chronicles not only the struggle for one of mythologies greatest heroes, but also the squabbles between the gods that his culture worships. Greek mythology is an awful lot like a soap opera. Someone’s always fooling around with a mortal they aren’t supposed to, causing a war over not getting enough deity street cred, or trying to mend relationships with their illegitimate children. It’s fascinating even to modern audiences most likely because the Greek deities are so human, and they aren’t always clearly good or bad as in the majority faith in American culture, Christianity. So, largely in honor of “Clash of the Titans,” here is Josh’s Top 5 “Greek Gods and Goddesses.”

5. Hades – Contrary to popular belief, Hades was not some sort of evil deity comparable to Satan. This god of the underworld was instead more like a misunderstood emo-kid that was given the literal short stick when he and his brothers Zeus and Poseidon were drawing straws for where they were going to rule for the rest of eternity. Hades was dealt the underworld, and he sat down there and moped with the souls of the dead and his three headed pooch Cerberus. Hades was so desperate for someone to love him that he stole his wife Persephone to gain a companion. In doing so he pissed off her mother Demeter (the season and harvest goddess) and forced her to make a compromise that created seasons for us mortals. Hades also had the ability to turn invisible and was reportedly the god with the most bling due to his position under the earth where the mines were.

4. Athena – Athena was the goddess of wisdom that was birthed out of her father Zeus’ fractured skull after Zeus had eaten his first wife. Seriously. Athena not only makes it into the Top 5 based on that alone, but she also was a totally armor clad warrior goddess who earned the title “First Fighter” in Greek mythology. Athena was noteworthy for her “take no crap” attitude and would not hesitate to turn mortals into nasty creatures for insulting her. Creatures made in this manner include spiders and the Gorgon called Medusa. Athena is also famous for being a virgin goddess, as she never allowed a masculine god or mortal to rape or marry her.

3. Aphrodite – This goddess of love was kind of like Olympus’ community bike – everybody could ride. Aphrodite not only consorted with mortals, but also had affairs with the god of war Ares, the messenger of the gods Hermes and the patron god of booze Dionysus. She did all of this while being married to the physically disfigured god of metallurgy Hephaestus. Not only was Aphrodite looser than an ovulating drunken pornstar, but she was born when the Titan Cronus threw the severed genitals of the sky god Uranus into the ocean. Aphrodite was born of naughty parts. It gives the exclamation “Holy Balls!” a completely different context.

2. Dionysus – Dionysus might as well be the god of college. Like Athena, Dionysus was born of Zeus, only this time he was transferred from a woman’s womb to his father’s thigh… Yep. His whole existence was based around getting drunk, having sex, and entertaining you. Dionysus inspired frenzied celebrations of excessive drinking where people would indulge in whatever sexual appetites they felt like at the time. It is no small coincidence that he was looked to as a fertility god. He also was the inspiration for theatrical productions in the ancient world, where theatre festivals were performed in his honor. Dionysus has often been referred to affectionately by a few of my mythology teachers as “the party god.”

1. Zeus – Zeus was a powerful god, but he’s number one for fathering some of the coolest figures in ancient literature, including Perseus, Hercules and Helen of Troy. If you thought Aphrodite was ridiculous in her pursuit of carnal pleasure, brace yourself. The powerful lightning god Zeus is not usually remembered for his heroic feats, since his dozens of bastard children have that covered for you. Zeus’ sexual appetite was in a word: retarded. The god got more tail than a toilet seat, and his prudish and overbearing wife Hera knew it. Zeus would transform into animals, other men, or sometimes nothing at all to get with a woman he wanted. He also gets my number one spot for birthing his children out of his thigh and head. Yeesh.

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