If you’re like me, politics aren’t exactly a turn-on. But one thing is certain – our Commanders in Chief all have/had at least one thing going for them in the bedroom: they are/were the freaking leader of the Free World! Sure, a good portion of our nation’s presidents were not exactly “lookers,” but if nothing else, the fact they are or were the most powerful men in America at one point or another should score them some points in the desirability department.
And let’s be honest with ourselves. Who wouldn’t shag a president of the United States if given the opportunity? Forgive me being so blunt, but hey, perhaps I’m simply lacking morals. Or maybe I’m just one of those good ‘ol fashioned gals who likes a man with power (I don’t mind women with power either, but this is America – the country where anyone can be the president as long as you have a general and two colonels between your legs).
So as a seemingly heterosexual, hot-blooded, young female, I’ve scoured the history books in search of our nation’s most boner-worthy presidents in honor of the upcoming election. From their politics to their track records, these hunks of democracy each have one thing in common—they are all totally bangable.
Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865)
What’s there to say about our 16th president’s lust-worthiness, other than the fact that he ended slavery and was one hell of a public speaker (i.e. the Gettysburg Address)? Oh, right. He was also born in a log cabin and was basically raised in the wilderness among bears and other vicious forest creatures…like vampires. So he undoubtedly also had what we might call an “amazing bod,” forged in the fires of hard, physical labor, like chopping down whole trees in one swing with an axe and slaying bloodsucking creatures of the night.
Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909)
Oh, Teddy, you Rough Rider, you buster of trusts; you truly are the embodiment of every schoolgirl’s burgeoning sexual fantasy –a real American cowboy. I believe this quote sums it up perfectly: “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” From a historical standpoint, I don’t know if we can safely conclude that Roosevelt did, indeed, speak softly given his political track record, but as for that big stick…that’s something we will have to leave to speculation.
Woodrow Wilson (1913-1921)
Like any good president, Wilson ruled the Free World with his fair share of screw ups (like implementing a policy of racial segregation for federal employees), but, for the most part, he made up for it in what I would consider some pretty stellar legislation, including a law that prohibited child labor and another that limited railroad workers to an eight-hour workday. He also concocted the idea for the League of Nations after WWI to help prevent future World Wars and promote world peace. What a guy.
Herbert Hoover (1929-1933)
Herby, you’ve made it to this list for one reason, and one reason only. Despite the fact that Hoover was somewhat of an economic bad luck charm (the Stock Market crashed less than eight months after he took office) he was still, according to the records I could find and the remnants of high school history lessons stored in the dark recesses of my mind, a humanitarian. When WWI began in 1914, he helped 120,000 Americans overseas return to the U.S. After the war, he organized shipments of food for millions of starving people in central Europe, including famine-stricken Soviet Russia in 1921. Criticized for aiding Bolshevism, Hoover argued that, “Twenty million people are starving. Whatever their politics, they shall be fed,” according to Whitehouse.gov. Few things get me going like bleeding heart compassion.
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1933-1945)
Roosevelt pulled America out of the depths of the Great Depression with his New Deal, and it was the fruits of his first “hundred days” in office that continue to serve as a model benchmark for how we rank our contemporary presidents. He gave us Social Security, heavier taxes for the wealthy, more control over banks and public utilities and a work relief program for the 13 million-some unemployed Americans when he took office. And even though the guy had polio (or Guillain-Barre syndrome, take your pick), he refused to be limited by his disability or to let it affect his charisma. Perseverance is sexy.
Dwight D. Eisenhower (1953-1961)
Despite his views on nuclear deterrence and other questionable foreign policies, Ike did some other pretty great things for this country. As a native Kansan, I would be remiss to exclude Eisenhower from this list. He may not have been born here (he was, in fact, born in Texas), but he was raised here (Abilene, to be exact). When desegregation of schools began, Eisenhower sent troops to Little Rock, Ark. to guarantee cooperation. He also established complete desegregation of the Armed Forces, and according to Whitehouse.gov, he wrote, “There must be no second class citizens in this country.” Endorsement of civil rights: the ultimate panty-dropper.
John F. Kennedy (1961-1963)
I have nothing to say other than, “Oh baby.”
James “Jimmy” Carter (1977-1981)
Jimmy was a champion of the environment. His expansion of the national park system included protection of more than 100 million acres of land in Alaska, thus saving countless baby seals and polar bears, no doubt. For the humans, he created the Department of Education, and to top it all off, he even helped foster harmony between our good friends Egypt and Israel during the Camp David Accords. Hot.
William “Bill” Clinton (1993-2001)
I’m just going to come out and say it: Silver Fox. Can we really blame Monica for losing herself in those piercing, blue-green eyes? They’re hypnotic. End of story. Personally, I could care less about Clinton’s supposed infidelity, especially since Hilldog stuck by his side. That’s more telling than anything. But other than positively oozing sex, Clinton is arguably one of the greatest presidents in U.S. history. He achieved lowest unemployment rate in modern times, the lowest inflation in 30 years, the highest home ownership in the country’s history, dropping crime rates and reduced welfare rolls. And he also proposed the first balanced budget in decades and achieved a budget surplus.
Barack Obama (2009-?)
Whether you love him or hate him, the fact remains that President Obama is the first African-American president in the history of the U.S. Let’s put politics aside for a moment and just relish in that fact because it’s a pretty damn big deal given our “great” nation’s history with blacks and other minorities. Obama broke the racial glass ceiling, and that’s something no one can ever take away from him. Plus, I’ll be honest with you –I love the gays. Any sitting president who declares their support for marriage equality has my vote…along with my inappropriate fantasies.