ESU President Michael Lane updates faculty and staff over the changes that have happened over the summer. Kellen Jenkins/The Bulletin

Survival in a vacuum of state revenue and retention of incoming freshmen were the focal points of Emporia State University President Michael Lane’s 2010 General Assembly which took place in Albert Taylor Hall on Tuesday afternoon.

“My main goal for the university this year is survival,” Lane said. “My other priority is improving how we deal with our freshmen and helping them succeed at Emporia State.”

The assembly began with the traditional introductions of new faculty and staff in the different departments at the university. Joella Mehrhof, president of faculty senate and professor of health, physical education and recreation, told a story about her hobby of marathon walking to try and inspire faculty and staff to make a difference.

“I challenge you to begin this new year with a mission to connect,” Mehrhof said. “Change something for somebody, if you can.”

Mehrhof also asked that many stand to be recognized for their contributions to the school’s collective successes, which was labeled as “shared governance.”

“I’m honored to serve as president of faculty senate,” Mehrhof said. “Give the person next to you a high five or fist bump for contributing to shared governance.”

Lane’s portion of the assembly was devoted largely to emphasizing the continuation of the Strategic Plan that was adopted by ESU last year to combat the effects of lower enrollment and low state funding for higher education.

“This recession is not yet over, particularly in Kansas,” Lane said. “In the last eight months since my last address, not much has improved in state revenue.”

The American Association of State Colleges and Universities reported that any significant increases in state funds for higher education would appear in 2013 at the earliest, Lane said.

Another statistic, shown on a Power Point presentation to the audience, was that since fall of 2002, the domestic enrollment for Emporia State has dropped from 4,899 to 4,042 in 2009. The international enrollment has increased in that time from 184 students to 519.

“We didn’t start recruiting international students to replace domestic students,” Lane said. “We’ve signed a significant number of partnerships to intentionally increase international student numbers. We need to refocus our efforts to increase the number of U.S. students, particularly in Kansas.”

Lane also addressed the consolidation, or elimination, of some courses and departments on campus.

“We made it through a very tough year,” Lane said. “Administration had to make some very hard decisions. If I’ve learned anything in these past two years it’s that faculty and staff at ESU are survivors, and very resilient.

Lane also spoke about the necessity to continue providing the quality of education that ESU is known for while updating the methods of delivering that education.

“I got that they really want to work on updating the campus and the technology,” said Kylie Lewis, junior information resource systems major. “I think they’re doing a pretty good job of getting on the right path. It’s just a matter of time I guess.”

Lewis is a transfer student from the University of Nebraska at Kearney, where the technology gap is less apparent.

“Kearney is up to date with the technology,” Lewis said. “Blackboard isn’t something that was recently implemented there, and even the buildings are newer. I am still very happy I transferred here though.”

Josh Johnson

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With the Memorial Union renovation groundbreaking having just occurred, and renovations currently underway, students will have a few different looking parts to their Union when they return in the fall.

“We’re about a month behind schedule,” said Dave Hendricks, director of the Memorial Union. “Ferrell Construction is responsible for bidding out the project, and we’ll find out who is doing the work on May 20. They’ll also supervise construction.”

The first phase of construction will be closing down the east and north entrances to do work on the northeast section of the building that holds the Information Center, the Memorial Union Bookstore and the old Hornet Express. This will mean moving the Memorial Union Bookstore to a temporary location in what is now the Heritage room downstairs in the union.

“The work on that part will last for the entire fall semester, and most likely into part of the spring semester,” Hendricks said. “The original timeline had it set to be done by Christmas.”

Following that phase, the renovation will concentrate on the dining hall and west lobby, Hendricks said.

“The cafeteria closes before winter break, so we’re planning on starting renovating that part of the building during next winter break,” Hendricks said. “The dining will be moved temporarily to what is now the Flint Hills, Kanza and Greek Rooms in the upstairs of the Union. August 2011 will hopefully start with the remodeled cafeteria.”

Some students expressed concern about the timeline and cost of the renovation project.

“To be honest it’s a waste of money,” said Susie Cruz, junior elementary education major. “I don’t think it’ll attract more students to the Union like they think it will. I also think they should’ve waited for the summer to start closing stuff down.”

Raymond Jackson, junior English major concurred with Cruz’s analysis of closing down portions of the Union.

“It would have been more prudent to shut it down during the summer,” Jackson said. “I would have liked it if they had started it faster, since I’d rather see them in here now than having it spread out over a long time.”

Alumnus Roger Heineken, information center manager, believes that the Union renovations will affect students positively even if there are some temporary inconveniences.

“I think the plan is very well thought out,” Heineken said. “I suspect it will transform student social life in a positive way. Right now there is not ample social space for events.”

Hendricks encourages students to check out the renovations webpage that is linked to the Memorial Union portion of the Emporia University Web site.

“There is a timeline and concept photos on there that students should look at,” Hendricks said. “Students should check it out over the summer, since their will be pictures of the progress we make during the summer months and what they have to expect when they come back.”

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Well, we’re at an end now folks. The year is finally coming to a close, and by now you’re all probably absolutely zombified by your finals and end of the semester assignments. Oh – so you’re not zombified from the finals? You mean to tell me that the masses dragging themselves to class everyday have been doing that because of some mutated form of mad cow disease? Shit. I give you Josh’s Top 5 Zombie Apocalypse Defense Weapons.

5. .22 Rifle/Glock 18 – If you have to go with a firearm, which is not recommended by most Zombie survival experts (see Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks), go with either the .22 Rifle, or the Glock 18 pistol. The reason for firearms being shunned is that they inherently will eventually run out of ammo. If the world is in absolute chaos, then ammunition will be a limited resource that may never be manufactured again. .22 caliber ammunition, while small, will be effective in destroying the brain of any would be Zombie if used correctly.

4. Chainsaw – This is mostly on the list for fun’s sake, since if you aren’t having fun during the zombie apocalypse then what the hell are you going to do? Being powered by gasoline, which will be a limited resource like ammo, the chainsaw will only last you as long as you have the luxury of fuel. I recommend a diamond grit infused chain for your saw, and after you unleash this puppy be prepared to take a dip in the local creek to wash yourself off.

3. Shovel – The shovel serves both a utilitarian purpose, as well as a weapon one. The edge of your shovel can be sharpened to be used as a spear, or a pike for a close range weapon that will still keep distance between those pesky zombie bites and you. Turning zombies into Pez dispensers should be on any zombie apocalypse bucket list. Secondly, you can dig trenches around your base of operations to keep them trapped for a zombie barbecue (assuming you have the fuel to spare). Lastly, if it breaks then it just turns into a spear/beating stick.

2. Machete – Some may roll their eyes at this bladed weapon, and would rather throw their support behind something like a katana. Katanas are fine to use, assuming you have the training necessary to use it correctly. If you don’t know what you’re doing you could hurt yourself, or the rest of your posse. Machetes are simple hacking weapons that require no real training to use, and will effectively cause wounds to a zombie skull if they get close to you.

1. Your Body – The movie “Zombieland” made this tool perfectly clear. When everything else has been taken away, the best weapon that every person has is the human body. While fragile, it can be worked into a weapon of nearly unlimited effectiveness. Basic self-defense, cardiovascular conditioning and muscular endurance are must-haves for any zombie apocalypse survivor. Cardiovascular health will be important for constantly being on the move in a world that will not have the luxury of constant fuel supply, and basic self-defense can keep small groups of attackers at bay so that you can conserve your limited weapon materials. The effectiveness of most zombie defense weapons is only as good as the person wielding it, so make sure to keep in tip-top physical condition at all times. Even if the zombie apocalypse never comes, then you can maintain a healthy lifestyle; something that can’t be said for most of America.

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Xi Phi, Emporia State’s leadership fraternity, awarded their outstanding faculty award to Darla Mallein, associate professor of social sciences education and ESU alumna in a reception held yesterday in the Veteran’s Hall of Honor.

“Thank you very much,” Mallein said. “It means a lot that this award comes from students, and it is very humbling that they chose me.”

The ceremony began with a short introduction from Xi Phi president MolliChitwood.

“We are here today to recognize an outstanding faculty member of ESU,” Chitwood said. “I just want to congratulate Dr. Mallein on winning this award.”

Mallein was chosen from a pool of student selected teachers that were eligible for the award.

“The Xi Phi award is so important because it is a student initiated, student nominated and student awarded award,” said Ellen Hansen, associate professor of geography. “To have students say that you are the best is quite the honor.”

Mallein had previously won the Kansas Master Teacher award in 1997, and then won Kansas Teacher of the Year in 1998 where she was a finalist for the National Teacher of the Year.

“I would say that her methods class prepared me the best for being a teacher,” said Cassie Wike, senior social sciences major. “Dr. Mallein was a difficult teacher, but I am actually grateful for that. It was better for the class to be hard and prepare me for teaching.”

Mallein will be going on sabbatical in the fall and her replacement, Amanda Mayhew, master of teaching social studies student, is anxious to be starting her role in Mallein’s place.

“Who else could be better for the job besides someone who was trained under her,” Mayhew said. “The thing she taught me the most was to have fun in the classroom. She’s so enthusiastic, and if your students see you having fun teaching then they know they can have fun too.”

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MG Gaskin performs as part of The Country Comedy Tour last Saturday night at the Granada Theatre. Erica Cassella/The Bulletin

A mixed bag of laughs and awkward silences was provided by Emporians at the Country Comedy Tour which was brought to Emporia’s Granada theatre last Saturday night by local radio stations and Marion National Bank.

“I think the show would have been different if the Granada had advertised at the university better,” said Kelsey Bailey, junior elementary education major. “I am sure students would have responded differently to the jokes.”

The night began with comedian Matt Mitchell, who has appeared on MTV, Jay Leno and the reality TV show “Hole in the Wall.” Mitchell’s routine turned into a slightly confrontational one when he made a joke about shopping at the local Wal-Mart store. A local woman seated in the balcony promptly stood up and began to shout at Mitchell.

“Shop Emporia,” said the unidentified resident. “We don’t like those big chain stores in our town.”

Whether the interruption threw off Mitchell’s routine or not, the audience had mixed reactions to the remainder of his routine. Some portions were met with few laughs, or none at all.

“He was an OK comedian,” said Amber Doyle, senior elementary education major. “Things got weird when that lady started yelling ‘Shop Emporia.’ He was kind of just responding to people in the audience, and he didn’t really have a point. It was like he told one joke the whole show.”

The show was touted as “family friendly,” and Mitchell’s comedy was received well by many of the younger members of the audience.

“His joke about the dinosaur was pretty good,” Doyle said. “The show was family friendly and clean enough for the kids.”

CMT veteran comedian MG Gaskin followed Mitchell to similar mixed reactions. Gaskin told several jokes about Olpe, which was portrayed as less cultured than Emporia in his comedy. At one point, an Olpe resident pointed out that their town was the only Olpe in the United States.

“If you want to learn something at this show, that’s fine,” Gaskin said. “I’m here to do comedy. I am a comedian, and I make people laugh.”

Gaskin’s attitude towards what Bailey described as an “unresponsive audience” was amiable to her.

“I thought he was funny,” Bailey said. “I thought he responded well when the audience didn’t respond very well to his jokes.”

Gaskin made it a point during his show to point out to the audience that it was, in fact, a comedy show they were attending.

“We’re taking life too seriously here in America now,” Gaskin said. “We need to learn to laugh again. That’s all I’m saying y’all.”

Following some political jokes, including one that called former President Clinton “the president between the Bushes,” Gaskin asked the audience members who had served in the military to raise their hands and be recognized for their service.

“I felt like the [recognition of the veterans] was a fairly common thing for a comedian to do,” Bailey said. “I didn’t see anything wrong with it.”

Following the show, Bailey expressed interest in the Granada hosting more events.

“It’d be cool for them to have concerts here or something like that,” Bailey said. “I think it’s a good idea for them to try.”

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We live in a world that’s gone celebrity crazy, haven’t we? It’s a tad depressing that most of us know more about the love lives of Rihanna and George Clooney than we do about the Health Care bill. What draws us towards these famous folks that bleed, sweat, and die like you and me? I’ve got a theory. It’s not too complicated, or convoluted. It simply says this: The more money you have, the crazier you can afford to be. Whether it’s shaving your head, growing a beard or calling out a fellow actor with the crudest of verbage, the landscape of Hollywood is dotted with personality landmines just waiting to be setoff. Here to make you feel all too normal is Josh’s top five crazy celebrities.

5. OzzyOsbourne – You could probably attribute most of Ozzy’s shenanigans to being a rock star, or the number of er… substances that he chose to partake of during the 60s and 70s. No matter the cause, Ozzy has set the standard for insane rock star. He has bitten the head off of a dove and a bat. On top of all of this, Ozzy urinated on the Alamo at nine in the morning wearing a woman’s evening dress. You can’t make that shit up. Favorite Quote: “Dogs smoke in France.”

4. Tom Cruise – I suspect that you were expecting to see Mr. Top Gun himself on this list. If it’s not the scientology that makes you think he’s crazy, then it’s the possessive nature he has towards his wife, Katie Holmes. I can understand being passionate about your chosen faith, but many thought Tom crossed the line when he criticized actress Brooke Shields for seeking medication for her depression. Tom is also notable for his jumping about like a five year old proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes during an Oprah interview. The man was once in the seminary to join the priesthood, and now is a representation of the insanity of Hollywood. God bless you Tom Cruise.

3. Joaquin Phoenix – Joaquin Phoenix is probably best remembered as that dude that played Johnny Cash, the bat swinging brother of Mel Gibson in “Signs” or the incestuous emperor Commodus from “Gladiator.” Phoenix was hit with tragedy early in life when his brother River Phoenix overdosed on an eight ball of cocaine. Phoenix began a career of his own not long after. I respect Phoenix’s work in “Walk the Line,” since it’s kind of like the white guys equivalent of “Ray” – minus the blindness and soul. Phoenix’s real claim to fame came about a year ago when he grew out his beard, and began his career as a rapper. Audiences were shocked when he appeared on the rap scene with his shades, beard and white boy antics.

2. Britney Spears – Britney is like the Hollywood equivalent to Dracula – she just won’t stay dead. She started off as a member of the Mickey Mouse Club after an appearance on the show “Star Search.” Not long after Britney was feigning innocence and signing multi-million dollar record deals. In 2003 Britney attracted attention for French kissing Madonna, and then for exposing her lady parts to a photographer while hanging out with Paris Hilton. Things got even crazier for Britney when she married Kevin Federline and promptly had two children with him.

1. Gary Busey – Busey is crazy enough to get his own category of crazy in my list. It’s like he snorts pixie sticks mingled with cocaine and Ritalin before going to any celebrity event. You never know what he’s going to say or do. For instance, in an interview with the Christian program “Prayer Hour” Busey claims that Bible stands for “Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.” Just your average religious adherent? I think not. He discusses in a different interview that before “finding Christ” God gave him the experiences of cocaine and living in the fast lane to learn from.

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A poor economy and massive budget cuts have made the prospect of finding a job even harder for Emporia State graduates, particularly for those students going into the education field.

“I am definitely worried about the prospect of getting a job out of school,” said Recil Skinner, sophomore English secondary education major. “I know people that just graduated who are having a hard time finding a job.”

According to the National Association of Colleges and Employers, hiring for the class of 2009 was down 21.6 percent from previous years and is currently down 7 percent for the year so far.

“Education jobs have been hit particularly hard for us,” said June Coleman-Hull, director of career services. “Social services have also been hit hard. We normally have between 10 and 15 companies coming to recruit from us, but this year we have only one. Our career fair attendance was also down 25-30 percent.”

With education being hit so hard by the recent Kansas budget cuts for education, many students will have to sacrifice their desires for practicality with regards to their job hunting.

“There are jobs out there,” said Ken Weaver, assistant dean of the teacher’s college. “The challenge is where the jobs are to be found. Students are often focused on a dream teaching location, but the job market may not allow for it. For instance, the pickings are pretty slim in eastern Kansas.”

There are several options open to students graduating with their bachelor’s degree, Coleman-Hull and Weaver said.

“Many of our students are pursuing graduate school in hopes that when they’re done the job market will have recovered,” Coleman-Hull said. “Some of the schools in western Kansas have actually benefited from the recent crisis since some graduates are looking for any school that has openings, including the ones that they may not have normally considered.”

Weaver offered other alternatives, including government positions.

“We would never intentionally tell our students to go out of state for a teaching position, but if there’s a good fitting job out of state where they can have it then it’s a worthwhile use of their degree,” Weaver said. “There are always things like the Peace Corps and teaching for the Department of Defense on bases around the world.”

Students of this generation have advantages for finding jobs that their forerunners did not, Coleman-Hull said.

“I would say this generation is one of the most flexible in means of technology and skill transfer,” Coleman-Hull said. “They are far more marketable in just about any labor market.”

Coleman-Hull advises all students graduating to maintain a high GPA, since NACE says that 74 percent of employers now screen GPA for their new hires. The “cleaning up” of one’s social networking sites is also advised, as 30 percent of companies nationally evaluate candidates through their social networking site materials.

Skinner remains undaunted by the challenges facing her as a future teacher.

“Sometimes I have my doubts about teaching,” Skinner said. “But teaching is what I really want to do, so I have to go for it.”

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They always say don’t judge a book by its cover, but what about albums? Often times the content of an album is predicted, or even enhanced, by the art that goes with the sale of the CD. In an era where music downloads have put a significant dent in the sale of hard copies, album artwork may have its place at the guillotine next to newspapers and DVDs. That being said, album artwork is one of my favorite parts of an album, since it has the potential to draw me towards a work before I even get the opportunity to sample the music. Then there are those album covers that defy explanation. Why anyone in their right mind would choose some of these covers is beyond me, but I guess I am not selling albums. Here is Josh’s Top Five “Hilarious Album Covers.”

5. “Street Songs” from Rick James –Here’s James with dreads, a bass guitar and red thigh high boots standing on a street corner with what could only be described as a woman of questionable reputation walking away behind him. In essence, this is Rick James’ life put onto the cover of an album. His drug induced shenanigans were made famous by some court cases and Dave Chappelle, so the reputation of Rick James could only be enhanced by the fact that he died with enough drugs in him to make Tony Montagna cringe.

4. “Zip Zap Rap” by Devastatin’ Dave –The actual single from the album is an anti-drug song to teach the hopefully adolescent listener just how whack crack is, since we all know rappers are notorious for their staunchly anti-drug position. I am totally surprised that Devastatin’ Dave isn’t mentioned alongside such greats as MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. I suppose this is white America’s solution for reaching urban youth – a guy who looks like a poor Lionel Ritchie. In fact, I think this cover makes me want to do drugs more so that I can hopefully lose the memory of having ever found this steaming pile of 80’s MC crap.

3. “In a Metal Mood – No More Mr. Nice Guy” from Pat Boone –We have an aging man in a leather vest who is giving you one heck of a shimmering wink. As a fan of such bands as Behemoth, Mastodon and Dimmu Borgir, the hilarity of this being subtitled “No More Mr. Nice Guy” is astounding. If the title, the wink and the leather vest don’t get you then the ear piercing and gold chain will. He means business, since apparently crooning metal is about as badass as Pat Boone could ever hope to be.

2. “Sticky Fingers” from The Rolling Stones – Wait a second. I’m not sure if they just greased a guy up and slipped him into the most sperm killing, voice heightening jeans they could find, or what. No matter what, this album cover raised some eyebrows at its debut in 1971. The original vinyl issue featured a working zipper that when opened showed underwear, but that probably wasn’t what people were expecting to see. Most casual observers believe the infamous… form in question was Mick Jagger’s, but in actuality the model is unknown since there were several different men who posed.

1. “Por primera vez” by Tino – Unfortunately, the first thing that comes to mind when I see this album cover is Ricky Martin violating Wilmer Valderrama while singing “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” The pose itself is classic, but the combination of clothing and the stare that just screams sex offender is wonderfully tacky. The strangest part of this cover seems to be that he REALLY wants you to know that he’s married. Maybe it’s some sort of sin deterrent, since those Daisy Dukes would drive anybody into a Latin loving frenzy.

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Emporia State University’s music department will perform a Mozart opera titled “Cosi Fan Tutte” at 7:30 p.m. tomorrow and Saturday in Bruder Theatre after months of preparation.

“It’s a comedy, and the jokes deal a lot with the relationship between the rich and poor,” said Levi Howe, senior theater design major and lighting designer for “Cosi Fan Tutte.” “There are also a lot of jokes about the easiest way to find love.”

The basic premise of the opera involves two young men who believe that their fiancées will be faithful to them when they go off to war and a wager between the two drives them to dress up as other men and try to seduce the others fiancée. The wager is initiated by Don Alfonso, played in the ESU production by Russell Swanson, freshman music education major.

“Don Alfonso is a sly old man that likes playing pranks on people,” Swanson said. “He’s trying to put the young bucks in their place by showing them just how much more he knows about the world then they do.”

The opera was written in the 18th century by Mozart, and the work that goes into such a production is quite different from a regular musical, said Christine Tompkins, freshman music education major and chorus member.

“It’s a long and arduous process to get this production ready,” Tompkins said. “We have been having 4-5 hour rehearsals and the leads have been working since the beginning of the semester. Just the singing is hard to get coordinated.”

Howe expressed his excitement to see the elaborate costumes and lighting finally staged after so much preparation.

“I am really excited to see the look of the lighting and costumes together,” Howe said. “It’s going to be extremely beautiful, and it’ll look great on the stage.”

Those new to opera may be unfamiliar with the role of the chorus, and Tompkins clarifies that the chorus is less pronounced than in modern musicals.

“We help emphasize emotional points in the story,” Tompkins said. “We’re more behind the scenes than anything and our job is to help the leads.”

This is also the first large scale opera in ESU history, Tompkins said.

“We’re using Bruder this year and a full orchestra for the first time,” Tompkins said. “The ESU opera is becoming a much bigger deal than it used to be.”

The cast’s long practices have brought them closer together and provided a sense of togetherness, Swanson said.

“The most rewarding thing for me is the fellowship shared with students that have a common interest,” Swanson said. “They’re all good people, and hanging out with them over the course of the production has been so much fun.”

Those involved have expressed interest in doing another large opera production.

“I’d love to do something like ‘Don Giovanni,’” Swanson said. “The big problem with that is that we lack a lot of the resources for a production that size. Modern American operas would be cool to do also.”

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Emporia State Debate took two teams to separate national competitions where debaters placed in top national positions.

“The National Debate Tournament is an invitation only tournament with only 78 spots, and we qualified,” said Chris Loghry, junior communications major. “The road to nationals starts in September when the official season begins, and there’s no guarantee that you’ll get a spot.”

The 2010 NDT was held in Berkeley, Calif., where veteran debaters Loghry and his debate partner Kurt Fifelski, senior political science major, took 39^th place.

“We come from what is probably one of the most competitive debate districts, District 3, which is roughly equivalent to the Big 12 of debate,” Loghry said. “22 of the 78 teams at the NDT were from our district.”

The other team to qualify for a national tournament was Ryan Wash, sophomore communications major, and LaToya Williams-Green, junior communications major. The pair qualified for the Cross Examination Debate Association Tournament which was an open national debate tournament with 207 teams from roughly 70 schools. This tournament was also in Berkeley. The pair placed 74th.

“The tournament may not have gone exactly as we planned, but it didn’t matter, because in that atmosphere I was so honored to be one of the top 156 debaters in the country,” Wash said. “Some of the people we debated against and lost to previously didn’t even make it to that level of competition.”

The debate team started off the season with a string of wins that helped seize their positions in the national tournaments.

“We locked up our NDT bid in the Texas Swing, which is two back to back debate tournaments in Texas over winter break,” Loghry said. “No matter what happened at the district tournament level we were going to go to nationals.”

Wash reminisced about the moment that he realized he was going to nationals.

“We didn’t actually have that many rounds, but the rounds we did have were high quality,” Wash said. “There was a lot of quiet tension the Thursday the results were coming out for nationals. I got a text from Kurt saying ‘Congratulations, you’re going to nationals.’”

James Taylor, assistant debate coach, experienced a strong sense of satisfaction from seeing ESU Debate teams represented at the national level.

“The recognition of being invited to a tournament of the top 78 teams in the nation is great,” Taylor said. “It’s been a number of years since we qualified two teams. As a coach, I was ecstatic.”

Taylor mentioned the satisfaction he received from witnessing his younger debaters go to a national tournament.

“They’ve worked really hard all year,” Taylor said. “For (Wash and Williams-Green) it will be viewed as a turning point in their debate career. To see the success and validation of their hard work made me very happy. To get those two national spots back was significant.”

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The freshly released reboot “Clash of the Titans” chronicles not only the struggle for one of mythologies greatest heroes, but also the squabbles between the gods that his culture worships. Greek mythology is an awful lot like a soap opera. Someone’s always fooling around with a mortal they aren’t supposed to, causing a war over not getting enough deity street cred, or trying to mend relationships with their illegitimate children. It’s fascinating even to modern audiences most likely because the Greek deities are so human, and they aren’t always clearly good or bad as in the majority faith in American culture, Christianity. So, largely in honor of “Clash of the Titans,” here is Josh’s Top 5 “Greek Gods and Goddesses.”

5. Hades – Contrary to popular belief, Hades was not some sort of evil deity comparable to Satan. This god of the underworld was instead more like a misunderstood emo-kid that was given the literal short stick when he and his brothers Zeus and Poseidon were drawing straws for where they were going to rule for the rest of eternity. Hades was dealt the underworld, and he sat down there and moped with the souls of the dead and his three headed pooch Cerberus. Hades was so desperate for someone to love him that he stole his wife Persephone to gain a companion. In doing so he pissed off her mother Demeter (the season and harvest goddess) and forced her to make a compromise that created seasons for us mortals. Hades also had the ability to turn invisible and was reportedly the god with the most bling due to his position under the earth where the mines were.

4. Athena – Athena was the goddess of wisdom that was birthed out of her father Zeus’ fractured skull after Zeus had eaten his first wife. Seriously. Athena not only makes it into the Top 5 based on that alone, but she also was a totally armor clad warrior goddess who earned the title “First Fighter” in Greek mythology. Athena was noteworthy for her “take no crap” attitude and would not hesitate to turn mortals into nasty creatures for insulting her. Creatures made in this manner include spiders and the Gorgon called Medusa. Athena is also famous for being a virgin goddess, as she never allowed a masculine god or mortal to rape or marry her.

3. Aphrodite – This goddess of love was kind of like Olympus’ community bike – everybody could ride. Aphrodite not only consorted with mortals, but also had affairs with the god of war Ares, the messenger of the gods Hermes and the patron god of booze Dionysus. She did all of this while being married to the physically disfigured god of metallurgy Hephaestus. Not only was Aphrodite looser than an ovulating drunken pornstar, but she was born when the Titan Cronus threw the severed genitals of the sky god Uranus into the ocean. Aphrodite was born of naughty parts. It gives the exclamation “Holy Balls!” a completely different context.

2. Dionysus – Dionysus might as well be the god of college. Like Athena, Dionysus was born of Zeus, only this time he was transferred from a woman’s womb to his father’s thigh… Yep. His whole existence was based around getting drunk, having sex, and entertaining you. Dionysus inspired frenzied celebrations of excessive drinking where people would indulge in whatever sexual appetites they felt like at the time. It is no small coincidence that he was looked to as a fertility god. He also was the inspiration for theatrical productions in the ancient world, where theatre festivals were performed in his honor. Dionysus has often been referred to affectionately by a few of my mythology teachers as “the party god.”

1. Zeus – Zeus was a powerful god, but he’s number one for fathering some of the coolest figures in ancient literature, including Perseus, Hercules and Helen of Troy. If you thought Aphrodite was ridiculous in her pursuit of carnal pleasure, brace yourself. The powerful lightning god Zeus is not usually remembered for his heroic feats, since his dozens of bastard children have that covered for you. Zeus’ sexual appetite was in a word: retarded. The god got more tail than a toilet seat, and his prudish and overbearing wife Hera knew it. Zeus would transform into animals, other men, or sometimes nothing at all to get with a woman he wanted. He also gets my number one spot for birthing his children out of his thigh and head. Yeesh.

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