Well, we’re at an end now folks. The year is finally coming to a close, and by now you’re all probably absolutely zombified by your finals and end of the semester assignments. Oh – so you’re not zombified from the finals? You mean to tell me that the masses dragging themselves to class everyday have been doing that because of some mutated form of mad cow disease? Shit. I give you Josh’s Top 5 Zombie Apocalypse Defense Weapons.

5. .22 Rifle/Glock 18 – If you have to go with a firearm, which is not recommended by most Zombie survival experts (see Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks), go with either the .22 Rifle, or the Glock 18 pistol. The reason for firearms being shunned is that they inherently will eventually run out of ammo. If the world is in absolute chaos, then ammunition will be a limited resource that may never be manufactured again. .22 caliber ammunition, while small, will be effective in destroying the brain of any would be Zombie if used correctly.

4. Chainsaw – This is mostly on the list for fun’s sake, since if you aren’t having fun during the zombie apocalypse then what the hell are you going to do? Being powered by gasoline, which will be a limited resource like ammo, the chainsaw will only last you as long as you have the luxury of fuel. I recommend a diamond grit infused chain for your saw, and after you unleash this puppy be prepared to take a dip in the local creek to wash yourself off.

3. Shovel – The shovel serves both a utilitarian purpose, as well as a weapon one. The edge of your shovel can be sharpened to be used as a spear, or a pike for a close range weapon that will still keep distance between those pesky zombie bites and you. Turning zombies into Pez dispensers should be on any zombie apocalypse bucket list. Secondly, you can dig trenches around your base of operations to keep them trapped for a zombie barbecue (assuming you have the fuel to spare). Lastly, if it breaks then it just turns into a spear/beating stick.

2. Machete – Some may roll their eyes at this bladed weapon, and would rather throw their support behind something like a katana. Katanas are fine to use, assuming you have the training necessary to use it correctly. If you don’t know what you’re doing you could hurt yourself, or the rest of your posse. Machetes are simple hacking weapons that require no real training to use, and will effectively cause wounds to a zombie skull if they get close to you.

1. Your Body – The movie “Zombieland” made this tool perfectly clear. When everything else has been taken away, the best weapon that every person has is the human body. While fragile, it can be worked into a weapon of nearly unlimited effectiveness. Basic self-defense, cardiovascular conditioning and muscular endurance are must-haves for any zombie apocalypse survivor. Cardiovascular health will be important for constantly being on the move in a world that will not have the luxury of constant fuel supply, and basic self-defense can keep small groups of attackers at bay so that you can conserve your limited weapon materials. The effectiveness of most zombie defense weapons is only as good as the person wielding it, so make sure to keep in tip-top physical condition at all times. Even if the zombie apocalypse never comes, then you can maintain a healthy lifestyle; something that can’t be said for most of America.

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We live in a world that’s gone celebrity crazy, haven’t we? It’s a tad depressing that most of us know more about the love lives of Rihanna and George Clooney than we do about the Health Care bill. What draws us towards these famous folks that bleed, sweat, and die like you and me? I’ve got a theory. It’s not too complicated, or convoluted. It simply says this: The more money you have, the crazier you can afford to be. Whether it’s shaving your head, growing a beard or calling out a fellow actor with the crudest of verbage, the landscape of Hollywood is dotted with personality landmines just waiting to be setoff. Here to make you feel all too normal is Josh’s top five crazy celebrities.

5. OzzyOsbourne – You could probably attribute most of Ozzy’s shenanigans to being a rock star, or the number of er… substances that he chose to partake of during the 60s and 70s. No matter the cause, Ozzy has set the standard for insane rock star. He has bitten the head off of a dove and a bat. On top of all of this, Ozzy urinated on the Alamo at nine in the morning wearing a woman’s evening dress. You can’t make that shit up. Favorite Quote: “Dogs smoke in France.”

4. Tom Cruise – I suspect that you were expecting to see Mr. Top Gun himself on this list. If it’s not the scientology that makes you think he’s crazy, then it’s the possessive nature he has towards his wife, Katie Holmes. I can understand being passionate about your chosen faith, but many thought Tom crossed the line when he criticized actress Brooke Shields for seeking medication for her depression. Tom is also notable for his jumping about like a five year old proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes during an Oprah interview. The man was once in the seminary to join the priesthood, and now is a representation of the insanity of Hollywood. God bless you Tom Cruise.

3. Joaquin Phoenix – Joaquin Phoenix is probably best remembered as that dude that played Johnny Cash, the bat swinging brother of Mel Gibson in “Signs” or the incestuous emperor Commodus from “Gladiator.” Phoenix was hit with tragedy early in life when his brother River Phoenix overdosed on an eight ball of cocaine. Phoenix began a career of his own not long after. I respect Phoenix’s work in “Walk the Line,” since it’s kind of like the white guys equivalent of “Ray” – minus the blindness and soul. Phoenix’s real claim to fame came about a year ago when he grew out his beard, and began his career as a rapper. Audiences were shocked when he appeared on the rap scene with his shades, beard and white boy antics.

2. Britney Spears – Britney is like the Hollywood equivalent to Dracula – she just won’t stay dead. She started off as a member of the Mickey Mouse Club after an appearance on the show “Star Search.” Not long after Britney was feigning innocence and signing multi-million dollar record deals. In 2003 Britney attracted attention for French kissing Madonna, and then for exposing her lady parts to a photographer while hanging out with Paris Hilton. Things got even crazier for Britney when she married Kevin Federline and promptly had two children with him.

1. Gary Busey – Busey is crazy enough to get his own category of crazy in my list. It’s like he snorts pixie sticks mingled with cocaine and Ritalin before going to any celebrity event. You never know what he’s going to say or do. For instance, in an interview with the Christian program “Prayer Hour” Busey claims that Bible stands for “Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.” Just your average religious adherent? I think not. He discusses in a different interview that before “finding Christ” God gave him the experiences of cocaine and living in the fast lane to learn from.

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They always say don’t judge a book by its cover, but what about albums? Often times the content of an album is predicted, or even enhanced, by the art that goes with the sale of the CD. In an era where music downloads have put a significant dent in the sale of hard copies, album artwork may have its place at the guillotine next to newspapers and DVDs. That being said, album artwork is one of my favorite parts of an album, since it has the potential to draw me towards a work before I even get the opportunity to sample the music. Then there are those album covers that defy explanation. Why anyone in their right mind would choose some of these covers is beyond me, but I guess I am not selling albums. Here is Josh’s Top Five “Hilarious Album Covers.”

5. “Street Songs” from Rick James –Here’s James with dreads, a bass guitar and red thigh high boots standing on a street corner with what could only be described as a woman of questionable reputation walking away behind him. In essence, this is Rick James’ life put onto the cover of an album. His drug induced shenanigans were made famous by some court cases and Dave Chappelle, so the reputation of Rick James could only be enhanced by the fact that he died with enough drugs in him to make Tony Montagna cringe.

4. “Zip Zap Rap” by Devastatin’ Dave –The actual single from the album is an anti-drug song to teach the hopefully adolescent listener just how whack crack is, since we all know rappers are notorious for their staunchly anti-drug position. I am totally surprised that Devastatin’ Dave isn’t mentioned alongside such greats as MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice. I suppose this is white America’s solution for reaching urban youth – a guy who looks like a poor Lionel Ritchie. In fact, I think this cover makes me want to do drugs more so that I can hopefully lose the memory of having ever found this steaming pile of 80’s MC crap.

3. “In a Metal Mood – No More Mr. Nice Guy” from Pat Boone –We have an aging man in a leather vest who is giving you one heck of a shimmering wink. As a fan of such bands as Behemoth, Mastodon and Dimmu Borgir, the hilarity of this being subtitled “No More Mr. Nice Guy” is astounding. If the title, the wink and the leather vest don’t get you then the ear piercing and gold chain will. He means business, since apparently crooning metal is about as badass as Pat Boone could ever hope to be.

2. “Sticky Fingers” from The Rolling Stones – Wait a second. I’m not sure if they just greased a guy up and slipped him into the most sperm killing, voice heightening jeans they could find, or what. No matter what, this album cover raised some eyebrows at its debut in 1971. The original vinyl issue featured a working zipper that when opened showed underwear, but that probably wasn’t what people were expecting to see. Most casual observers believe the infamous… form in question was Mick Jagger’s, but in actuality the model is unknown since there were several different men who posed.

1. “Por primera vez” by Tino – Unfortunately, the first thing that comes to mind when I see this album cover is Ricky Martin violating Wilmer Valderrama while singing “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” The pose itself is classic, but the combination of clothing and the stare that just screams sex offender is wonderfully tacky. The strangest part of this cover seems to be that he REALLY wants you to know that he’s married. Maybe it’s some sort of sin deterrent, since those Daisy Dukes would drive anybody into a Latin loving frenzy.

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The freshly released reboot “Clash of the Titans” chronicles not only the struggle for one of mythologies greatest heroes, but also the squabbles between the gods that his culture worships. Greek mythology is an awful lot like a soap opera. Someone’s always fooling around with a mortal they aren’t supposed to, causing a war over not getting enough deity street cred, or trying to mend relationships with their illegitimate children. It’s fascinating even to modern audiences most likely because the Greek deities are so human, and they aren’t always clearly good or bad as in the majority faith in American culture, Christianity. So, largely in honor of “Clash of the Titans,” here is Josh’s Top 5 “Greek Gods and Goddesses.”

5. Hades – Contrary to popular belief, Hades was not some sort of evil deity comparable to Satan. This god of the underworld was instead more like a misunderstood emo-kid that was given the literal short stick when he and his brothers Zeus and Poseidon were drawing straws for where they were going to rule for the rest of eternity. Hades was dealt the underworld, and he sat down there and moped with the souls of the dead and his three headed pooch Cerberus. Hades was so desperate for someone to love him that he stole his wife Persephone to gain a companion. In doing so he pissed off her mother Demeter (the season and harvest goddess) and forced her to make a compromise that created seasons for us mortals. Hades also had the ability to turn invisible and was reportedly the god with the most bling due to his position under the earth where the mines were.

4. Athena – Athena was the goddess of wisdom that was birthed out of her father Zeus’ fractured skull after Zeus had eaten his first wife. Seriously. Athena not only makes it into the Top 5 based on that alone, but she also was a totally armor clad warrior goddess who earned the title “First Fighter” in Greek mythology. Athena was noteworthy for her “take no crap” attitude and would not hesitate to turn mortals into nasty creatures for insulting her. Creatures made in this manner include spiders and the Gorgon called Medusa. Athena is also famous for being a virgin goddess, as she never allowed a masculine god or mortal to rape or marry her.

3. Aphrodite – This goddess of love was kind of like Olympus’ community bike – everybody could ride. Aphrodite not only consorted with mortals, but also had affairs with the god of war Ares, the messenger of the gods Hermes and the patron god of booze Dionysus. She did all of this while being married to the physically disfigured god of metallurgy Hephaestus. Not only was Aphrodite looser than an ovulating drunken pornstar, but she was born when the Titan Cronus threw the severed genitals of the sky god Uranus into the ocean. Aphrodite was born of naughty parts. It gives the exclamation “Holy Balls!” a completely different context.

2. Dionysus – Dionysus might as well be the god of college. Like Athena, Dionysus was born of Zeus, only this time he was transferred from a woman’s womb to his father’s thigh… Yep. His whole existence was based around getting drunk, having sex, and entertaining you. Dionysus inspired frenzied celebrations of excessive drinking where people would indulge in whatever sexual appetites they felt like at the time. It is no small coincidence that he was looked to as a fertility god. He also was the inspiration for theatrical productions in the ancient world, where theatre festivals were performed in his honor. Dionysus has often been referred to affectionately by a few of my mythology teachers as “the party god.”

1. Zeus – Zeus was a powerful god, but he’s number one for fathering some of the coolest figures in ancient literature, including Perseus, Hercules and Helen of Troy. If you thought Aphrodite was ridiculous in her pursuit of carnal pleasure, brace yourself. The powerful lightning god Zeus is not usually remembered for his heroic feats, since his dozens of bastard children have that covered for you. Zeus’ sexual appetite was in a word: retarded. The god got more tail than a toilet seat, and his prudish and overbearing wife Hera knew it. Zeus would transform into animals, other men, or sometimes nothing at all to get with a woman he wanted. He also gets my number one spot for birthing his children out of his thigh and head. Yeesh.

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I can say that I have been blessed to have some great friendships in my brief time of being alive. Whenever I watch a movie, or read a book, I tend to compare the characters within it to the people around me. There have always been those pairs in fiction that make me evaluate my own relationships. Am I the loose cannon cop sporting a mullet, or the aging professional that is just getting too old for this shit? Am I the goofball, or the straight man? To give all of you readers a brief road map to what I view as the best dynamic duos of fiction, here are Josh’s Top 5 “Fictional Duos.”

5. Cory Matthews and Topanga Lawrence from “Boy Meets World” – ABC Broadcastings gift to the ‘90s known as “TGIF” gave us the television series “Boy Meets World” in 1993. The series covered the events in the tight knit family of a boy named Cory Matthews and his ordeals that he faces as your everyday American kid. Topanga Lawrence began the series as one of Cory’s friends and confidants, and in later episodes blossomed into Cory’s love interest. The two were eventually married after almost seven seasons of friendship and high school drama. These ‘90s lovebirds represented all that a friendship could be for TGIF viewers.

4. Conner and Murphy MacManus from “The Boondock Saints” – Never has religiously fueled vigilantism been conducted with such style and dark humor then in the tattooed hands of Conner and Murphy from “The Boondock Saints.” For those of you that haven’t seen the film, the Irish Catholic brothers are fraternal twins that receive a divine calling to clean up the streets of gang infested South Boston with all the guns, knives and Irish stereotypes at their disposal. Notable deeds of the saints include shooting pornstar Ron Jeremy as he’s whacking the weasel, holding up a courtroom to execute a mob boss and killing a Russian gang member with a toilet.

3. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson from “Sherlock Holmes” – Whether you’re referring to the film portrayals of Watson and Holmes, or their origins as the fiction of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the pair of super sleuths represented the original “buddy cop” formula. Holmes played the unpredictable and eccentric genius that could either be solving a murder case or indulging in opium use. Watson was the straight laced assistant whose “elementary” observations and mature nature balanced out the often socially awkward Holmes. Their perfect partnership had its ups and downs, and showed how a working partnership could also be a great friendship.

2. Han Solo and Chewbacca from “Star Wars” – This duo was so famous for always accompanying one another in the iconic Millennium Falcon that an alternative to the shotgun rules called “Chewie” has been developed by geeky guys just looking for a good time. Han and Chewie were space hot rod cruising, blockade running, gun toting badasses who gave a roguish charm to the Star Wars universe. Han Solo was a Corellian smuggler portrayed by the still suave Harrison Ford (seriously, if you’re Indiana Jones and Han Solo you get to do whatever the hell you want) who found his calling to help the Rebel Alliance while chasing the tale of future wife Princess Leia. Chewie was the furry co-pilot of the Falcon from the planet Kashyyyk that can rip the arms off of people that upset him. They represent the perfect “boy and his dog” formula, but with blasters and spaceships.

1. Snoopy and Woodstock from “The Peanuts” – These iconic “Peanuts” characters top off the list of duos. Debuting in 1950, Charles Schulz demonstrated the strength of friendship through Snoopy and Woodstock’s fictional adventures. Snoopy was the dog of Charlie Brown, the prematurely bald boy next door. Woodstock was a small bird who was originally a baby bird that was left in a nest that had been built on Snoopy’s stomach. His trademark chicken scratch filled speech bubbles were only understood by Snoopy. The two had adventures as the “World War I Flying Ace” and his co-pilot, golfing buddies and trivia rivals. Their friendship is perhaps the most pure, innocent and long running friendship on this list. Their keen understanding of one another shows that even if the rest of the world thinks you’re a lazy dog, or can’t understand anything you say, there is always that person that will stand next to you.

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The villains in a movie make the story. There’s no other way to say it. Heroes are predictable, normally fighting on the side of the perceived “good” with a set of personal rules that prevent them from being too crazy. Villains on the other hand are not hindered by a society’s view of good, only required to do everything but that good. They can be unpredictable, cruel or are often dark character foils for the main character. For everything that heroes can show us about the good we are capable of, there is a villain prepared to show us the darkest depths of the human psyche. Here are Josh’s Top 5 movie villains.

5. Reagan MacNeil/Pazuzu from “The Exorcist” – Regarded as one of film history’s most disturbing films, “The Exorcist” original film print is believed by Evangelist Preacher Billy Graham to have an actual demon in it. “The Exorcist” pits an aging priest, and one who is losing his faith, against the ancient demon Pazuzu in a battle royale for the soul of 12 year old Reagan. Pazuzu takes the cherubic little girl and turns her into a vulgar, supernaturally strong and pea soup vomit spewing hellhound. Favorite line: “Your mother sucks c@&$s in hell Karras, you faithless slime.”

4. Darth Vader from “Star Wars” – Darth Vader is easily recognizable as the darkly clad antagonist of the “Star Wars” trilogy. Vader was voiced by James Earl Jones in the original trilogy, and wowed audiences with his force choking, light saber slashing, no-holds barred pursuit of the Rebel Alliance. It was later revealed that Vader was the father of hero Luke Skywalker, and the character gained a whole new depth. He became a tragic figure, much like Lucifer in Judeo-Christian mythology, who fell from grace to become the figure of ultimate evil in science fiction. Unfortunately for audiences, the aforementioned fall from grace was portrayed by cardboard cutout actor Hayden “Mannequin Skywalker” Christensen in the recently released prequel films. Favorite line: “Remember… no disintegrations!”

3. Alex DeLarge from “A Clockwork Orange” – “A Clockwork Orange” tells the tale of a dystopian future England where teenage gang leader Alex DeLarge wreaks havoc with his gang members. Alex rapes, murders and controls his cronies with disturbing, almost childlike, glee. The tables are turned on the teenage terror when he is imprisoned and forced to give up violence through brainwashing. An odd twinge of pity enters the viewer when watching the terrible struggle Alex faces when tempted to fall into his old habits. Alex deserves a top position for the unpredictable and wanton nature of the violence he perpetrates. Alex was even listed by Heath Ledger as an inspiration for his Joker in “The Dark Knight.” Favorite line: “I’ve suffered the tortures of the damned, sir – tortures of the damned.”

2. Amon Goeth from “Schindler’s List” – Goeth embodies the terror of the Holocaust in a manner that was horrifically real to the viewer. Goeth was the commandant of the camp that Oskar Schindler’s Jewish workers were imprisoned in. Ralph Fiennes, famous now for his portrayal of Voldemort in the Harry Potter films, plays the Nazi officer in a cold, calculating manner. He’s selfish, loathing of the dirty prisoners he lords over and views the extermination of the Jews as a task that he’s required to do efficiently by Hitler. Goeth executes prisoners in a random manner, at one point shooting from the porch of his villa at any random prisoner in his sights. He smokes, drinks and has no remorse for the lives he takes – in essence taking all the pleasure of living while depriving others of it. Goeth is nearly the perfect villain. Favorite Line: “This is very cruel, Oskar. You’re giving them hope. You shouldn’t do that. That’s cruel!”

1. The Joker from “The Dark Knight” – I hate to jump on the Heath Ledger Joker bandwagon, but the unpredictable and chaotic deeds of “The Dark Knight’s”  antagonist went beyond a mere battle of good and evil. Ledger’s Joker asks every viewer about where their hearts lie in the age old debate over humanity’s inclination to chaos or order. The Joker’s monumental task of battling Batman appeared to be no different than taking out the trash as the whole of Gotham City was plunged into chaos by the “Clown Prince of Crime.” Knives, explosives or poison; The Joker had no qualms about who he iced. Favorite Line: “Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?”

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You know Hollywood is running out of good ideas when a remake of the ‘80s Cold War action flick “Red Dawn” sounds in any way appealing to a modern audience. Hollywood is also making a few bucks off of a Wolverine of a different sort with the new trend of making superhero oriented movies of varying quality and fan following. Many casual movie goers may view comic books themselves as a strange and childish medium read by virgin lads with altars to Kevin Smith in their bedrooms. To combat this, some literary critics have insisted that comic book superheroes are to us what Beowulf was to his audience – a reflection of what we view as heroic in our own time. I would have to agree with these literary critics, and present to you Josh’s Top 5 “Superheroes.”

5. Green Lantern a.k.a. Hal Jordan– The Green Lantern is a DC Comics hero with power that derives from a ring that can create solid matter and energy only limited by the bearer’s imagination, courage and willpower. In essence, the ring of Green Lantern is as strong as he wills it to be. Whenever the Green Lantern desires to “recharge” his ring he places it in a lantern and recites the Green Lantern Oath: “In brightest day, in blackest night,/No evil shall escape my sight/Let those who worship evil’s might,/Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!” Green Lantern is scheduled to be made into a movie with Ryan Reynolds playing the jeweled harbinger of justice.

4. Thor a.k.a. Donald Blake – Thor is the Norse god of thunder, and one of the most powerful beings in existence in the Marvel Comics universe. This Viking badass is sent to earth under the guise of a meek scientist that transformed into the god of thunder whenever he tapped his cane on the ground. The fact that a Norse god finds himself fighting crime on Earth is astounding, especially when you consider the injuries you could incur if you decided to shoplift then get your ass beaten by a giant hammer wielding guy with a winged hat and cape. Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir, has the ability to beat the hell out of frost giants, other gods and even give the Incredible Hulk a run for his money. On top of all of this, Thor is getting a movie adaptation directed by acclaimed Shakespearean actor Kenneth Branagh – NERDGASM!

3. The Comedian a.k.a. Edward Blake – I get a peculiar sense of joy in including The Comedian in this list. The Comedian was a character in Alan Moore’s 1986 “Watchmen” graphic novel that did everything a hero is not supposed to do while still being considered a masked hero. He takes the idea of humans being anything more than animalistic as a sick joke and does whatever he damn well pleases in order to prove that correct. He does all this while chomping on a cigar and wearing a happy face pin on his costume. The Comedian is one of the characters that marked the turning point of comic book characters from masked defenders of the Status Quo to literary characters that can spit in the face of all that we hold dear.

2. Batman a.k.a. Bruce Wayne – Batman was created by comic book artist Bob Kane in 1939. Batman’s origins lie in the tragic tale of multi-millionaire Bruce Wayne whose parents were murdered in front of him as a boy. As he matured, Wayne took it upon himself to fight crime with fighting techniques and gadgets that he could acquire with his virtually unlimited personal resources. Featuring some of the coolest villains in comic book history such as The Joker, Two-Face and the Riddler, Batman’s status as a human and powerless superhero has translated to instant box-office success. Batman’s appeal lies in his ability to tow the line between hero and villain with his personal creed to never kill. Often the only thing that separates his personal trauma from his enemies is his oath to not kill and this created some of the heaviest stories in modern comic history.

1. Captain America a.k.a. Steve Rogers – This patriotic pansy turned super-soldier exploded onto the comic book scene with a right hook straight to Hitler’s face for his first cover in 1941. Captain America began as a wartime propaganda character that was later revived into a leader for the legendary superhero team The Avengers. Cap’s power derives from a serum that was administered to him as part of a World War II experiment to create the perfect soldier. The Cap may remind some of the jingoistic ignorance of the mid 20th century but his post revival self has come to represent the unyielding ideas of liberty, patriotism and moral uprightness. He has even, on several occasions, rebelled against the demands of the U.S. political system to better protect his belief in the freedom of the citizens he shields.

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I’ll be the first to admit that women carry a certain burden that men can never quite understand. In the traditional social roles that have been maintained by a patriarchal system the domain of women has been the home and family, while we boys get to go outside and play cowboys and Indians. Well, in honor of Women’s History Month, I am going to recognize what women I think best went out to play with the boys, and often kicked their asses. Here is Josh’s Top 5 “Badass Beauties.”

5. Annie Oakley – Annie Oakley was a famous sharpshooter of the Wild West, and considered by many to be first true American female superstar. Born Phoebe Anne Mosey, she initially began shooting to support her widowed mother and seven brothers and sisters, but became widely noticed when she beat her future husband (also a sharpshooter) in a shooting contest. Standing at five feet tall, the little lady stunned audiences of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show with her shooting expositions. Oakley was rumored to be able to shoot a playing card facing the edge, and then shoot it six more times before it hit the ground. Clint Eastwood: eat your heart out.

4. Boudicca – This queen of the ancient Britons, whose name means “victory” in her native tongue, came to prominence when her husband died around 60 A.D. Her husband was a King of the Iceni tribe that was allied with the Romans, and according to his wishes he wanted his daughters to rule his tribe after his death. After his death, the Romans flogged Boudicca, raped his daughters and seized his tribes holdings. Boudicca roused several of the tribes of Briton together to rebel against the occupying Romans, and in her campaign of retribution it is estimated that she killed between 70,000-80,000 people in the three major settlements she attacked. Her attacks prompted the emperor Nero to consider abandoning Britain altogether, and forced him to reroute whole legions from other places to put down this female rebel filled with righteous indignation.

3. Anne Bonny – Anne Bonny is remembered simply for the fact that she was a female pirate during the “golden age of piracy” in the 18^th century. Bonny married a small time pirate, and then promptly cheated on him with another pirate named “Calico Jack” Rackham. Rackham offered Bonny’s husband money to buy her for marriage, but she refused to “be bought and sold like cattle.” Bonny joined Rackham’s crew and with another female pirate, Mary Read, they stole a ship called the “Revenge.” The infamous three sailed around the Caribbean taking ships and money. Bonny was eventually captured but used the fact that she was pregnant with Rackham’s child to delay her execution until her father could pay her ransom.

2. Lyudmila Pavlichenko – During World War II the Soviets became renowned for their use of snipers, particularly the skill of Vasily Zaytsev who was portrayed by the significantly less fugly Jude Law in the 2001 film, “Enemy at the Gates.” He had 242 verified kills, and got enough bling from Comrade Stalin to make Lil’ Wayne jealous. Uniquely, the Soviet Army also allowed females to serve as snipers, where Pavlichenko became famous for her 309 confirmed kills. This woman from Ukraine, who was also a successful student at the University of Kiev, was one of 2000 women to volunteer to be snipers for the Red Army. Only 500 of them survived the war, with Pavlichenko being one of them. Pavlichenko received the Order of Lenin and Hero of the Soviet Union, which is less recognition than what Zaytsev received for killing fewer men. She went on to be the first Soviet citizen to visit the White House, had her own stamp made in the Soviet Union in 1943 and 1976, had a Woody Guthrie song written about her and finally had a ship named after her posthumously. She is considered by military historians to be the most successful female sniper in history.

1. Joan of Arc – If you ever wonder what God tells people to do, look up Joan of Arc. This 15^th century maiden of France rose to prominence when she claimed that God had told her to drive the occupying English back to their homeland. Joan did not simply stand back and watch what her visions could inspire, but instead strapped on armor and rode out to the city of Orleans where she helped break the long standing siege in only nine days. She took bold action in leading French forces when their strategy up to that point had been one of caution and cowardice. Joan was captured when she was unhorsed by an archer, and she was kept in prison due to her family’s inability to pay her ransom. She died being burnt at the stake by English clergymen for heresy after being sexually assaulted and signing a confession she couldn’t read. Joan was canonized years later when Pope Callixtus III declared her innocent of any charges of heresy.

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Warfare is perhaps the single thread that has permeated all of human history. Whether you view war as the unfortunate bloodshed that is necessary to change the world, or as the ultimate demonstration of man’s greed and stupidity, it has some great rhetoric associated with it. Hollywood portrays most epic battle sequences with a speech directly before the action, and sometimes it makes us feel like we’re part of the always under-equipped and outnumbered army. So here is Josh’s Top 5 spine-tingling, ass-kicking inducing movie pre-battle speeches.

5. Aragorn’s speech at the Black Gate from “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” – Up until this point in “Lord of the Rings,” we’ve sat through a movie so lengthy that even the talking trees merited a hooray for some excitement. Following the massively scaled and miracle laden battle of Minas Tirith, we are treated to the even more desperate battle at the Black Gate of Mordor. When this speech is delivered to the men of Rohan and Gondor that face certain death at the hands of the forces of Sauron, you’ll want to go hunt some Orc yourself. That being said, you still can’t excuse the Fellowship’s bed scene at the end of the movie. Favorite line: “A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship – but it is not this day!”

4. Plataea speech from “300” – This speech was delivered at the end of “300” by the ridiculously ripped and one eyed character Dilios who is played by David Wenham. The audience has just seen the death of Leonidas and his 300 Spartans play out, and they took a few thousand Persians with them. Their sacrifice at Thermopylae has inspired the armies of Greece to get together and unload both barrels on the Persians. During the speech, the Persians with 3:1 odds in their favor, are off-screen apparently crapping their pants at the prospect of fighting 10,000 Spartans and 30,000 other Greeks – bona-fide badass. Favorite line: “This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine.”

3. Speech at Area 51 from “Independence Day” – This speech is sure to make anybody want to piss red, white and blue. The city sized spaceships of an alien race have decimated the cities of the entire Earth, and their ships have a shield that protects them from any weapon humanity has. A character played by Jeff Goldblum discovers a computer virus that can disable the aliens’ shields and a worldwide counterstrike against the invaders is coordinated, with the good ol’USA leading the charge with Bill Pullman and an alcoholic crop duster as the heroes. God Bless America. Favorite line: “And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!’ Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!”

2. Speech before the Battle of Stirling from “Braveheart” – In any other set of circumstances the occurrence of a bunch of men in skirts with blue faces might be seen as a tad peculiar. In “Braveheart,” it’s about the manliest damn thing you can imagine. William Wallace is motivating his Scottish rebels to hold their ground and fight alongside him against the mass of English knights across the field. This speech gives me chills every time, simply for the fact that he acknowledges that his men have the choice to go home and die a peaceful death in their beds sometime in the future, but that staying there and kicking the shit out of the English gives testament to their Y-Chromosomes. Favorite line: “And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!!!”

1. St. Crispin’s Day speech from “Henry V” – This was the original speech that inspired every “let’s take a few of the bastards with us” type speeches that we know today. Originally written by William Shakespeare in 1599 for the stage, this speech comes from the title character right before the Battle of Agincourt. For the best version of this on film, I recommend Kenneth Branagh’s 1989 version. The historical battle’s details may be different, but in the play, Henry’s English forces are outnumbered by the French 5:1. Henry has to motivate his men to go out onto the muddy field of Agincourt and face the knights of France. Henry’s men are tired, few and the visiting team. I won’t spoil the ending. Favorite line: “We band of brothers; for he to-day that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.”

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Our kids are going to have some fancy toys, aren’t they? Everything is downloadable this, upgrade that, or just go buy another one of those in your favorite color. We live in the digital age, and we all grew up right in the midst of it. When the ‘90s weren’t ramming a boy band down our throats, it was coming up with a new way to rob our parents blind with the newest toy fad. Here are the Top 5 Toys of Our Generation.

5. Tamagotchi/Gigapet – These keychain sized digital pets debuted in 1996 across the Pacific pond in Japan. The idea was to give people a pet on a tiny screen in an egg-shaped housing. One was required to clean up the poo, feed and “play” with their little animal (be it a dog, cat, or even a dinosaur, in some incarnations). The biggest problem came when school rolled around and you couldn’t take it with you, and in most cases you came home to a dead digi-pet. Let that heavy weight sink on your seven-year-old conscience.

4. Action figures/Barbie dolls – Action figures and Barbie dolls in the ‘90s did just about anything conceivable – even if it didn’t make any sense. Need a Batman action figure that parachutes, changes color in cold water, or shoots a missile out of a jetpack he never had? They’ve got that taken care of for you. As for Barbies, the release of “Pretty in Plaid” Barbie alongside the belly shirt and overall wearing “Cool Color Teresa” reminds us all of how AWESOME ‘90s fashion was. Just prepare to claw your eyes out with small plastic hands when you lay eyes on the neon green, fanny pack toting glory of Rollerblades Ken in short shorts.

3. Mighty Max/Polly Pocket – Get ready for some hardcore childhood gender role formation, readers. These tiny sized play sets could’ve ended the life of your infant little brother with their choke hazardtastic pieces, but you didn’t care about that. You were the godlike driving force in a micro-sized fantasy world of monsters for Mighty Max, or pink squishy things in Polly Pocket. Mighty Max play sets were monster shaped, or oriented, play sets that came with this little kid and several monsters and side characters. The kid named Max wore a baseball cap that could transport him through portals whenever it was turned backwards, therefore allowing him to have all his micro-sized adventures. Polly inhabited compact sized play worlds that involved school, dances, or adventures with her conveniently multi-cultural friends.

2. Themed Lego kits – Lego kits were perhaps this writer’s greatest vice growing up. With the sudden explosion of several different types of Lego kits, every birthday and Christmas gift for several years was accounted for. Star Wars, ancient Egypt, undersea adventures, feudal Japan and even outer space were all universes that were converted into Lego kits. Not only was the building with instructions fun, but afterwards you could tear everything apart and build a new world where Darth Maul could kick the crap out of a car driving ninja with a scuba suit if you pleased. It’s a good bet that many would-be engineers got their start with Legos.

1. Pokemon cards – If engineers got started with Legos, then today’s successful drug dealers probably got their start in that shady part of the playground with these Japanese monstrosities. Pokemon cards, short for Pocket Monsters, were the offshoot of the successful Game Boy video game series of the same name. The cards had a cute little monster with abilities listed below the picture; and people paid good money for them. After the cards made their way to the United States they quickly “evolved” into a drug-like addiction for many kids. Most schools placed bans or limits on the cards due to their disruptive nature, but the hall monitor Gestapo often didn’t extend its reach to the playground. Kids would circle around others that were carrying Charizard, Mewtwo, or at the then elusive Mew and try to haggle the little Pokemon dealer down so they could get their card fix. It’s no small wonder that some uber-religious families shielded their children from what they considered the work of Beelzebub. I say it’s more the work of Bulbasaur, but in any case Pokemon’s insanity continues to this day with 493 different species to collect and no end in sight.

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Valentine’s Day is in a couple of days folks, and make no bones about it – people will be getting it on. The traditional tunes of the horizontal mambo are timeless: “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye, “Cant’s Get Enough of Your Love Babe” by Barry White or even “Songbird” by Kenny G. Those are all well and good, but I am sure you’d prefer to not be doing the dirty to the same song you were conceived to. For those of you looking to add a different, perhaps freakier, spice to your Valentine’s Day loving, it’s Josh’s Top 5 “Atypical Getting it on Songs.”

5. “Take a Bow” by Muse – Some may be cocking their eyebrows about now, but this song that many consider a mere song about the evils of abused political power contains one of the coolest continuous buildups in modern music. From beginning to end it’s nothing but a build of sound to one climactic moment… wait a minute. That sounds awfully familiar, doesn’t it? Give it a whirl and you may just be motivated to stick it to the man – and possibly your significant other.

4. “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails – Listening to this while having sex may make you feel like you’re supposed to be the creeper guy on an episode of “Criminal Minds.” But the raw sexual nature of the lyrics may provide the perfect fuel for some nasty leather clad fantasy fulfillment. With some dirty sounding bass, self deprecating lyrics and references to feeling people from the inside, it may be time to whip out your cuffs and safe words.

3. “Fever Dream” by Tyler Bates – Hornets, prepare for glory! This song from the “300” soundtrack can provide the necessary fuel for any man to feel like a Greek god with his lady friend. You may not be piling up the bodies of slain Persians, but you’ll insure that any female passerby knows that there by manly law you lie. Just make sure your performance doesn’t make her want to fantasize about Gerard Butler in a leather speedo.

2. “Le Disko” by Shiny Toy Guns – You ladies didn’t think I was going to forget your song did you? Turn this synth-pop tune on when you’re boy thinks he’s got it all figured out and then turn the tables on him as the song exclaims “little boys, little toys.” Give him the night he’ll never forget and leave some scratches up and down his back like the lyrics say, ‘cause every girl deserves her turn on top.

1. “The Bad Touch” by Bloodhound Gang – This song lays it all out on the table (pun intended). The song’s chorus states it best when it says, “You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel.” Nothing says freaky romance like a night of animalistic copulation. Lastly, with a beat that’s too legit to quit and enough innuendo to make even Prince cringe, you’ll be knocking boots for hours.

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