You know Hollywood is running out of good ideas when a remake of the ‘80s Cold War action flick “Red Dawn” sounds in any way appealing to a modern audience. Hollywood is also making a few bucks off of a Wolverine of a different sort with the new trend of making superhero oriented movies of varying quality and fan following. Many casual movie goers may view comic books themselves as a strange and childish medium read by virgin lads with altars to Kevin Smith in their bedrooms. To combat this, some literary critics have insisted that comic book superheroes are to us what Beowulf was to his audience – a reflection of what we view as heroic in our own time. I would have to agree with these literary critics, and present to you Josh’s Top 5 “Superheroes.”
5. Green Lantern a.k.a. Hal Jordan– The Green Lantern is a DC Comics hero with power that derives from a ring that can create solid matter and energy only limited by the bearer’s imagination, courage and willpower. In essence, the ring of Green Lantern is as strong as he wills it to be. Whenever the Green Lantern desires to “recharge” his ring he places it in a lantern and recites the Green Lantern Oath: “In brightest day, in blackest night,/No evil shall escape my sight/Let those who worship evil’s might,/Beware my power… Green Lantern’s light!” Green Lantern is scheduled to be made into a movie with Ryan Reynolds playing the jeweled harbinger of justice.
4. Thor a.k.a. Donald Blake – Thor is the Norse god of thunder, and one of the most powerful beings in existence in the Marvel Comics universe. This Viking badass is sent to earth under the guise of a meek scientist that transformed into the god of thunder whenever he tapped his cane on the ground. The fact that a Norse god finds himself fighting crime on Earth is astounding, especially when you consider the injuries you could incur if you decided to shoplift then get your ass beaten by a giant hammer wielding guy with a winged hat and cape. Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir, has the ability to beat the hell out of frost giants, other gods and even give the Incredible Hulk a run for his money. On top of all of this, Thor is getting a movie adaptation directed by acclaimed Shakespearean actor Kenneth Branagh – NERDGASM!
3. The Comedian a.k.a. Edward Blake – I get a peculiar sense of joy in including The Comedian in this list. The Comedian was a character in Alan Moore’s 1986 “Watchmen” graphic novel that did everything a hero is not supposed to do while still being considered a masked hero. He takes the idea of humans being anything more than animalistic as a sick joke and does whatever he damn well pleases in order to prove that correct. He does all this while chomping on a cigar and wearing a happy face pin on his costume. The Comedian is one of the characters that marked the turning point of comic book characters from masked defenders of the Status Quo to literary characters that can spit in the face of all that we hold dear.
2. Batman a.k.a. Bruce Wayne – Batman was created by comic book artist Bob Kane in 1939. Batman’s origins lie in the tragic tale of multi-millionaire Bruce Wayne whose parents were murdered in front of him as a boy. As he matured, Wayne took it upon himself to fight crime with fighting techniques and gadgets that he could acquire with his virtually unlimited personal resources. Featuring some of the coolest villains in comic book history such as The Joker, Two-Face and the Riddler, Batman’s status as a human and powerless superhero has translated to instant box-office success. Batman’s appeal lies in his ability to tow the line between hero and villain with his personal creed to never kill. Often the only thing that separates his personal trauma from his enemies is his oath to not kill and this created some of the heaviest stories in modern comic history.
1. Captain America a.k.a. Steve Rogers – This patriotic pansy turned super-soldier exploded onto the comic book scene with a right hook straight to Hitler’s face for his first cover in 1941. Captain America began as a wartime propaganda character that was later revived into a leader for the legendary superhero team The Avengers. Cap’s power derives from a serum that was administered to him as part of a World War II experiment to create the perfect soldier. The Cap may remind some of the jingoistic ignorance of the mid 20th century but his post revival self has come to represent the unyielding ideas of liberty, patriotism and moral uprightness. He has even, on several occasions, rebelled against the demands of the U.S. political system to better protect his belief in the freedom of the citizens he shields.
5. Annie Oakley – Annie Oakley was a famous sharpshooter of the Wild West, and considered by many to be first true American female superstar. Born Phoebe Anne Mosey, she initially began shooting to support her widowed mother and seven brothers and sisters, but became widely noticed when she beat her future husband (also a sharpshooter) in a shooting contest. Standing at five feet tall, the little lady stunned audiences of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show with her shooting expositions. Oakley was rumored to be able to shoot a playing card facing the edge, and then shoot it six more times before it hit the ground. Clint Eastwood: eat your heart out.
4. Boudicca – This queen of the ancient Britons, whose name means “victory” in her native tongue, came to prominence when her husband died around 60 A.D. Her husband was a King of the Iceni tribe that was allied with the Romans, and according to his wishes he wanted his daughters to rule his tribe after his death. After his death, the Romans flogged Boudicca, raped his daughters and seized his tribes holdings. Boudicca roused several of the tribes of Briton together to rebel against the occupying Romans, and in her campaign of retribution it is estimated that she killed between 70,000-80,000 people in the three major settlements she attacked. Her attacks prompted the emperor Nero to consider abandoning Britain altogether, and forced him to reroute whole legions from other places to put down this female rebel filled with righteous indignation.
3. Anne Bonny – Anne Bonny is remembered simply for the fact that she was a female pirate during the “golden age of piracy” in the 18th century. Bonny married a small time pirate, and then promptly cheated on him with another pirate named “Calico Jack” Rackham. Rackham offered Bonny’s husband money to buy her for marriage, but she refused to “be bought and sold like cattle.” Bonny joined Rackham’s crew and with another female pirate, Mary Read, they stole a ship called the “Revenge.” The infamous three sailed around the Caribbean taking ships and money. Bonny was eventually captured but used the fact that she was pregnant with Rackham’s child to delay her execution until her father could pay her ransom.
2. Lyudmila Pavlichenko – During World War II the Soviets became renowned for their use of snipers, particularly the skill of Vasily Zaytsev who was portrayed by the significantly less fugly Jude Law in the 2001 film, “Enemy at the Gates.” He had 242 verified kills, and got enough bling from Comrade Stalin to make Lil’ Wayne jealous. Uniquely, the Soviet Army also allowed females to serve as snipers, where Pavlichenko became famous for her 309 confirmed kills. This woman from Ukraine, who was also a successful student at the University of Kiev, was one of 2000 women to volunteer to be snipers for the Red Army. Only 500 of them survived the war, with Pavlichenko being one of them. Pavlichenko received the Order of Lenin and Hero of the Soviet Union, which is less recognition than what Zaytsev received for killing fewer men. She went on to be the first Soviet citizen to visit the White House, had her own stamp made in the Soviet Union in 1943 and 1976, had a Woody Guthrie song written about her and finally had a ship named after her posthumously. She is considered by military historians to be the most successful female sniper in history.
1. Joan of Arc – If you ever wonder what God tells people to do, look up Joan of Arc. This 15th century maiden of France rose to prominence when she claimed that God had told her to drive the occupying English back to their homeland. Joan did not simply stand back and watch what her visions could inspire, but instead strapped on armor and rode out to the city of Orleans where she helped break the long standing siege in only nine days. She took bold action in leading French forces when their strategy up to that point had been one of caution and cowardice. Joan was captured when she was unhorsed by an archer, and she was kept in prison due to her family’s inability to pay her ransom. She died being burnt at the stake by English clergymen for heresy after being sexually assaulted and signing a confession she couldn’t read. Joan was canonized years later when Pope Callixtus III declared her innocent of any charges of heresy.
5. Aragorn’s speech at the Black Gate from “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” – Up until this point in “Lord of the Rings,” we’ve sat through a movie so lengthy that even the talking trees merited a hooray for some excitement. Following the massively scaled and miracle laden battle of Minas Tirith, we are treated to the even more desperate battle at the Black Gate of Mordor. When this speech is delivered to the men of Rohan and Gondor that face certain death at the hands of the forces of Sauron, you’ll want to go hunt some Orc yourself. That being said, you still can’t excuse the Fellowship’s bed scene at the end of the movie. Favorite line: “A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship – but it is not this day!”
4. Plataea speech from “300” – This speech was delivered at the end of “300” by the ridiculously ripped and one eyed character Dilios who is played by David Wenham. The audience has just seen the death of Leonidas and his 300 Spartans play out, and they took a few thousand Persians with them. Their sacrifice at Thermopylae has inspired the armies of Greece to get together and unload both barrels on the Persians. During the speech, the Persians with 3:1 odds in their favor, are off-screen apparently crapping their pants at the prospect of fighting 10,000 Spartans and 30,000 other Greeks – bona-fide badass. Favorite line: “This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine.”
3. Speech at Area 51 from “Independence Day” – This speech is sure to make anybody want to piss red, white and blue. The city sized spaceships of an alien race have decimated the cities of the entire Earth, and their ships have a shield that protects them from any weapon humanity has. A character played by Jeff Goldblum discovers a computer virus that can disable the aliens’ shields and a worldwide counterstrike against the invaders is coordinated, with the good ol’USA leading the charge with Bill Pullman and an alcoholic crop duster as the heroes. God Bless America. Favorite line: “And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: ‘We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!’ Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!”
2. Speech before the Battle of Stirling from “Braveheart” – In any other set of circumstances the occurrence of a bunch of men in skirts with blue faces might be seen as a tad peculiar. In “Braveheart,” it’s about the manliest damn thing you can imagine. William Wallace is motivating his Scottish rebels to hold their ground and fight alongside him against the mass of English knights across the field. This speech gives me chills every time, simply for the fact that he acknowledges that his men have the choice to go home and die a peaceful death in their beds sometime in the future, but that staying there and kicking the shit out of the English gives testament to their Y-Chromosomes. Favorite line: “And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!!!”
1. St. Crispin’s Day speech from “Henry V” – This was the original speech that inspired every “let’s take a few of the bastards with us” type speeches that we know today. Originally written by William Shakespeare in 1599 for the stage, this speech comes from the title character right before the Battle of Agincourt. For the best version of this on film, I recommend Kenneth Branagh’s 1989 version. The historical battle’s details may be different, but in the play, Henry’s English forces are outnumbered by the French 5:1. Henry has to motivate his men to go out onto the muddy field of Agincourt and face the knights of France. Henry’s men are tired, few and the visiting team. I won’t spoil the ending. Favorite line: “We band of brothers; for he to-day that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.”
5. Tamagotchi/Gigapet – These keychain sized digital pets debuted in 1996 across the Pacific pond in Japan. The idea was to give people a pet on a tiny screen in an egg-shaped housing. One was required to clean up the poo, feed and “play” with their little animal (be it a dog, cat, or even a dinosaur, in some incarnations). The biggest problem came when school rolled around and you couldn’t take it with you, and in most cases you came home to a dead digi-pet. Let that heavy weight sink on your seven-year-old conscience.
4. Action figures/Barbie dolls – Action figures and Barbie dolls in the ‘90s did just about anything conceivable – even if it didn’t make any sense. Need a Batman action figure that parachutes, changes color in cold water, or shoots a missile out of a jetpack he never had? They’ve got that taken care of for you. As for Barbies, the release of “Pretty in Plaid” Barbie alongside the belly shirt and overall wearing “Cool Color Teresa” reminds us all of how AWESOME ‘90s fashion was. Just prepare to claw your eyes out with small plastic hands when you lay eyes on the neon green, fanny pack toting glory of Rollerblades Ken in short shorts.
3. Mighty Max/Polly Pocket – Get ready for some hardcore childhood gender role formation, readers. These tiny sized play sets could’ve ended the life of your infant little brother with their choke hazardtastic pieces, but you didn’t care about that. You were the godlike driving force in a micro-sized fantasy world of monsters for Mighty Max, or pink squishy things in Polly Pocket. Mighty Max play sets were monster shaped, or oriented, play sets that came with this little kid and several monsters and side characters. The kid named Max wore a baseball cap that could transport him through portals whenever it was turned backwards, therefore allowing him to have all his micro-sized adventures. Polly inhabited compact sized play worlds that involved school, dances, or adventures with her conveniently multi-cultural friends.
2. Themed Lego kits – Lego kits were perhaps this writer’s greatest vice growing up. With the sudden explosion of several different types of Lego kits, every birthday and Christmas gift for several years was accounted for. Star Wars, ancient Egypt, undersea adventures, feudal Japan and even outer space were all universes that were converted into Lego kits. Not only was the building with instructions fun, but afterwards you could tear everything apart and build a new world where Darth Maul could kick the crap out of a car driving ninja with a scuba suit if you pleased. It’s a good bet that many would-be engineers got their start with Legos.
1. Pokemon cards – If engineers got started with Legos, then today’s successful drug dealers probably got their start in that shady part of the playground with these Japanese monstrosities. Pokemon cards, short for Pocket Monsters, were the offshoot of the successful Game Boy video game series of the same name. The cards had a cute little monster with abilities listed below the picture; and people paid good money for them. After the cards made their way to the United States they quickly “evolved” into a drug-like addiction for many kids. Most schools placed bans or limits on the cards due to their disruptive nature, but the hall monitor Gestapo often didn’t extend its reach to the playground. Kids would circle around others that were carrying Charizard, Mewtwo, or at the then elusive Mew and try to haggle the little Pokemon dealer down so they could get their card fix. It’s no small wonder that some uber-religious families shielded their children from what they considered the work of Beelzebub. I say it’s more the work of Bulbasaur, but in any case Pokemon’s insanity continues to this day with 493 different species to collect and no end in sight.
5. “Take a Bow” by Muse – Some may be cocking their eyebrows about now, but this song that many consider a mere song about the evils of abused political power contains one of the coolest continuous buildups in modern music. From beginning to end it’s nothing but a build of sound to one climactic moment… wait a minute. That sounds awfully familiar, doesn’t it? Give it a whirl and you may just be motivated to stick it to the man – and possibly your significant other.
4. “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails – Listening to this while having sex may make you feel like you’re supposed to be the creeper guy on an episode of “Criminal Minds.” But the raw sexual nature of the lyrics may provide the perfect fuel for some nasty leather clad fantasy fulfillment. With some dirty sounding bass, self deprecating lyrics and references to feeling people from the inside, it may be time to whip out your cuffs and safe words.
3. “Fever Dream” by Tyler Bates – Hornets, prepare for glory! This song from the “300” soundtrack can provide the necessary fuel for any man to feel like a Greek god with his lady friend. You may not be piling up the bodies of slain Persians, but you’ll insure that any female passerby knows that there by manly law you lie. Just make sure your performance doesn’t make her want to fantasize about Gerard Butler in a leather speedo.
2. “Le Disko” by Shiny Toy Guns – You ladies didn’t think I was going to forget your song did you? Turn this synth-pop tune on when you’re boy thinks he’s got it all figured out and then turn the tables on him as the song exclaims “little boys, little toys.” Give him the night he’ll never forget and leave some scratches up and down his back like the lyrics say, ‘cause every girl deserves her turn on top.
1. “The Bad Touch” by Bloodhound Gang – This song lays it all out on the table (pun intended). The song’s chorus states it best when it says, “You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel.” Nothing says freaky romance like a night of animalistic copulation. Lastly, with a beat that’s too legit to quit and enough innuendo to make even Prince cringe, you’ll be knocking boots for hours.
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