Look, I get it, nothing is better than curling up with an immaculate piece of literature surrounded by the commonwealth of nature. But, I don’t think there is anything more confusing and offensive than hammocking. To the caterpillar, that is.

Hear me out. First, you’re suspended, willfully might I add, to a tree. To be fair, caterpillars do not just hang around in trees, but have you tried lifting yourself up by the branch of a rose? (Hint: you’ll break it).

Second, the process of getting your hammock a tree is quite a bit of effort. Do you vomit your innards and shed your skin to make your cocoon and consequently burn hundreds of calories?

Probably not. In fact, if you see someone doing so: run. Run very far, very quickly.

You still might work a sweat in the Kansas heat tying that “figure eight on a bight.” (What a name for knot, by the way.)

Third, you might just come out more beautiful than you were when you enveloped yourself in that polyester tortilla. Whether you were trying to gain a rooted connection to nature, read the nihilist-mocking works of Nietzsche, or get some extra snooze from your eight A.M., you might just find yourself morphing into a giant butterfly, bent on battling the giant Japanese lizard, Godzilla.

Finally, always remember: when you hammock, you’re going into caterpillar territory. Watch out for the knots you use: they may cause harm to the trees. In fact, some colleges, like Michigan State, have banned the practice. Trees are (obviously) key to caterpillar life; if you hear a soft gasp of disappointment from a leisurely, multicolored sausage, you might want to try something else that does not involve a cocoon without commitment.

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